I am screwed up and confused

Okay, I have made some mistakes over the last couple of years. Mainly, I have acted wild and crazy, trying to forget about my problems. Secondly, I have been to open about what I do, especially with my oldest daughter, who on most occasions prys or acts like she wants to be my friend only to use things against me. We are actually getting along great, but I got an e-mail from her father, as I have many times in the past talking about things he should not know about.
This weekend I am taking our kids to Rocky Point (come hell or high water). I have already paid $1500 for three nights in this house on the beach. Well, last week I learned that I have to have his permission to take them out of the country and although this is a four hour drive from my house it is still out of the country. I mentioned to him two months ago I was taking the kids. This week when I asked if my 16 year old could stay with him, since he doesn't want to come he made sure to mention to me that I can't go unless he okays it. (F. . . him!)
What kills me is that he knows I take good care of our children. He just likes to have things to hang over my head and control me with. He tells me that Mexico is a bad place for stupid people insinuating that I am stupid. He tells me that he worries I will leave the kids unattending. There is no way I would ever do that! He tells me he thinks I will be ina drunken stupor dancing with young boys and flashing. Yeah right! What I am most upset about right now is that I let these things get to me. I am realizing that what he thinks and how he acts affects me way too much. I know this is because I am looking for some validation from him and that is about as dumb as I can get. I keep thinking he will realize what a jerk he is and be kind, but why am I torturing myself like this? It is something I need to get to the bottom of.
I then wonder if it is because I sometimes question my current relationship. I am so grateful to Tim. He is pretty good with my kids and he tells me he wants me forever. He has even agreed to combine our money and share our finances, making things easier for me since I don't get steady paychecks. I am scared that with him doing everything I want it may still not be enough for me to be completely satisified and take the plunge. The thought of that just sickens me, becuase I would never want to hurt him.
When I think about us, I have some reservations. What comes up over and over is that he doesn't want me as much as I want him. I don't think this is huge, but I hate always having to instigate and I sometimes feel like him loving me is a chore for him. On top of that, I don't get th kind of love I want. I feel like I have to pretend I am some whore or young girl that has no choice to get excited. I was thinking last night how nice it would be if I felt like he worshipped my body and wanted to touch me slowly and lovingly and drive me crazy, but that has never happened in over two years. I have talked about this with him, but he either doesn't get it or doesn't care. Last night I wanted to ask him to love me, but it had been a bad evening. My daughter feel off her bike and I had to take her to get x-rays and a splint. He ended up taking my son to football practice, which I was very thankful for. He has been grumpy the last three days. I think the fact that they are building a new Air Traffic Control Tower here and training everyone has taken a toll on him. In the last month he has only had one day off a week. I feel bad about this, but I still don't like him coming home angry. It reminds me of my ex. He would do that, and it just made me want to cry. I wondered how do I fix this if I didn't do anything to break it? Which leads me to another thing. I don't know how to help Tim when he is in a bad mood. I am learning to just leave him alone, but I wish that when he is down I could be a comfort to him. I am sure this is a bad week. I went to lunch with my daughter a few days ago and she said I never seem happy. We ended up talking about her dad and I wanted to bawl the whole night. I guess I am realizing divorce takes a number of years to get through. It makes me realize I should not get remaried until I have this all worked out in my mind. I want to make sure when I get marreid again it feels like I am more compatible with my new man then I was with my last. Because things are different I am not sure if it will just take time or if certain things will drive me nuts in the long run. I wish life were a bit easier. On a better note I asked my oldest son, who lives with me, if I seem happy. He said yes. I was thinking I am a lot of the time too. I told my daughter it hasn't been easy being cheated on, coming back into the work force after 16 years as a homemaker, trying to make ends meet with a job that has no steady paychecks. I have been stressed to the max. I really want the comfort of not having to make a lot of money. I want a relationship that makes me feel comfortable and relaxed. The good news is life does seem to get better as time goes on and I do seem to work things out in my mind. I wish I could see a counselor, but my insurance doesn't cover that. I want to be the best I can be for myself and my kids.